Something Isn't Right

My heart is breaking every single time I see a picture of you. How am I supposed to look at a picture of you and know that I will never see you again? It really freaks me out. Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I thought losing a boyfriend, a best friend, a grandparent, I thought that all those things were bad. But losing you was the WORST. In my deepest heart of hearts I know I something is missing from my life and I can't bring myself to accept that its you. I can't believe that you were just taken away from me like that. I just want you back, more than any thing in the world. I will always be your little girl and you will always be my daddy. But I will never get over this, I will never be okay again. I am waiting for the day for it not to be weird. Right now I can't believe it, I just feel like I haven't been to see you because I've been busy or you've been sick or something but I really know that you are no longer there but in spirit. Being here with me in spirit is SO different than actually being here. I want to see your face again. I want to wrap my arms around your neck again. I want so much and I know I can't have it. It kills me, no one can even understand how bad it hurts. It is going to be a sucky life without you, you know that right? I know "it was your time to go" but I don't want to believe it. I just want to be able to call you and hear your voice or go to your house just hang out with you. I don't even know what to say to any one. I know I should talk to someone about how I feel. Mom wants me to talk to her about it, but for some odd reason I can't bring myself to do it, its entirely too awkward. All my friends don't really truly understand exactly what I am going through. I want someone to know. If I could I would talk to you, but I've tried that too and I can't do it because I never get a response so its not really even talking to you. Please tell me how I'm supposed to do all this, how am I supposed to live my life, how do I get through this? I have no idea, I need your help, please tell me! Its hard to believe that you are actually gone I still haven't fully grasped that idea. You my daddy you were supposed to stay with me forever. You were supposed to walk me down the isle when I marry the fish that's out there in the sea for me. You were supposed to see your grandbabies and be Grandpa. That will never happen now and I will NOT allow Shawn to step in and take your place, believe me, that is the last thing I will do. I feel like everyone is pushing me to let him be my "father-figure" but to be completely honest I'd rather have no one to act as that than to have him be that. Yeah forget that, everyone can get over themselves. This is so much harder than I expected it. Most people who lose a loved one can move on and be strong enough. I, however, am not. I thought I was strong enough to go through all this, I mean this is supposed to make me stronger right? Well yeah its not really working because I just really feel like giving up on everything. That's all I want to do is break down and give up, but I know I can't because you're looking down on me expecting so much more out of me. So I guess I'll be strong for you but you better know I am not okay and I never will be. I'll be able to get through with my days but I will never be as good as new. I am waiting to see you once again, all of this is so surreal and I can't believe it. I know I'm coming home one of these days and I will be with you again. But until then I am left here with pictures and memories that make me think your still here and we will do all the crazy things we used to. I love you, don't ever forget that, okay? I mean it! I miss you so much daddy! </3

Giving In

Giving in was not what I expected... I never thought it would feel like this. I thought everything was good and I was done and everything was going so right but in a split second it can all go wrong. One simple thought can ruin everything. This always happens to me, just when things truly are going right it is all taken away from me. Am I ever going to get better? Will I ever be okay again? This will go away right, all of this feeling of hurt and pain that I go though, it will all be gone? I want nothing more than to be okay, I can't keep hurting myself. Who would have ever thought that little, innocent Alyssa would ever do the things she does, would ever have to go through the things that she is going through... I can't take it anymore! I need help, I am finally able to say that I have a problem that I can't overcome by myself. Every time I think I am over you and falling in love with someone I realize that no one can replace you. I thought I never would have to go through all of this but I guess every one does. It kills me to see you happy while I'm am miserable. You have no idea and you won't even talk to me anyways so what am I trying to do. I will never those things back I will never have you for myself. You are happy and I should happy too but I just can't. How can a girl who has a self-harming addiction be happy? I was doing it, stopping. I thought I had it all under my belt. I thought I could handle it, but I guess I couldn't. So much for that! Hearing your name and knowing that you are just a few miles away and knowing that I can't do anything about it killed me. I was so angry that I couldn't step up and tell anyone how I felt. So angry that no one would do anything about it. They just set me up... I did it again. I gave into my terrible addiction. Sitting in the shower with a bobby pin sitting there tempting me. My addiction sitting there laughing at me, telling me I wouldn't do it. I proved it wrong. Just like that standing there, blood running down my leg, crying all the bad things out. It never works, it never takes all the pain away. I am sitting here now wondering if anyone will ever love me again if I will ever love again. I believe that any and every single person I know is going to disown me especially the people that mean the most to me. Yeah just take everyone away from me. Just when I thing I find the perfect person who will be there for me, be my boo thang, make all my pain go away, to help me, he is just taken out of my life like that. How am I supposed to react to that, you tell me, please! I need help to understand to see through hazy life of mine. I can't take it any longer! Please make me stop please after all you've put me through what makes you think I can go through this?! Just take everything away! Do it! I can't take it...I have given in and there is no turning back...