Giving In

Giving in was not what I expected... I never thought it would feel like this. I thought everything was good and I was done and everything was going so right but in a split second it can all go wrong. One simple thought can ruin everything. This always happens to me, just when things truly are going right it is all taken away from me. Am I ever going to get better? Will I ever be okay again? This will go away right, all of this feeling of hurt and pain that I go though, it will all be gone? I want nothing more than to be okay, I can't keep hurting myself. Who would have ever thought that little, innocent Alyssa would ever do the things she does, would ever have to go through the things that she is going through... I can't take it anymore! I need help, I am finally able to say that I have a problem that I can't overcome by myself. Every time I think I am over you and falling in love with someone I realize that no one can replace you. I thought I never would have to go through all of this but I guess every one does. It kills me to see you happy while I'm am miserable. You have no idea and you won't even talk to me anyways so what am I trying to do. I will never those things back I will never have you for myself. You are happy and I should happy too but I just can't. How can a girl who has a self-harming addiction be happy? I was doing it, stopping. I thought I had it all under my belt. I thought I could handle it, but I guess I couldn't. So much for that! Hearing your name and knowing that you are just a few miles away and knowing that I can't do anything about it killed me. I was so angry that I couldn't step up and tell anyone how I felt. So angry that no one would do anything about it. They just set me up... I did it again. I gave into my terrible addiction. Sitting in the shower with a bobby pin sitting there tempting me. My addiction sitting there laughing at me, telling me I wouldn't do it. I proved it wrong. Just like that standing there, blood running down my leg, crying all the bad things out. It never works, it never takes all the pain away. I am sitting here now wondering if anyone will ever love me again if I will ever love again. I believe that any and every single person I know is going to disown me especially the people that mean the most to me. Yeah just take everyone away from me. Just when I thing I find the perfect person who will be there for me, be my boo thang, make all my pain go away, to help me, he is just taken out of my life like that. How am I supposed to react to that, you tell me, please! I need help to understand to see through hazy life of mine. I can't take it any longer! Please make me stop please after all you've put me through what makes you think I can go through this?! Just take everything away! Do it! I can't take it...I have given in and there is no turning back...