It happened again...

Here I am fucking up everything in my life again! My best friend hates me! The boy that I love just dropped me for no reason and won't talk to me! Then I fight with my mom and step dad! And have no fucking dad anymore! And I just feel like everything is my fault! Great right!? So fuck everything and everyone! I gave in! I relapsed! Yes it fucking happened! And I feel like burden to everyone especially my bestfriend! I can't do anything about except cry but then I just feel like a huge pussy! So yes there is nothing I can do but break down but I know that I can't! I hate my fucking life! So here I am fucking up my life and everything! I'm no good to anyone! Thanks! Fucking good night! I'm can't keep it together anymore!

Something Isn't Right

My heart is breaking every single time I see a picture of you. How am I supposed to look at a picture of you and know that I will never see you again? It really freaks me out. Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I thought losing a boyfriend, a best friend, a grandparent, I thought that all those things were bad. But losing you was the WORST. In my deepest heart of hearts I know I something is missing from my life and I can't bring myself to accept that its you. I can't believe that you were just taken away from me like that. I just want you back, more than any thing in the world. I will always be your little girl and you will always be my daddy. But I will never get over this, I will never be okay again. I am waiting for the day for it not to be weird. Right now I can't believe it, I just feel like I haven't been to see you because I've been busy or you've been sick or something but I really know that you are no longer there but in spirit. Being here with me in spirit is SO different than actually being here. I want to see your face again. I want to wrap my arms around your neck again. I want so much and I know I can't have it. It kills me, no one can even understand how bad it hurts. It is going to be a sucky life without you, you know that right? I know "it was your time to go" but I don't want to believe it. I just want to be able to call you and hear your voice or go to your house just hang out with you. I don't even know what to say to any one. I know I should talk to someone about how I feel. Mom wants me to talk to her about it, but for some odd reason I can't bring myself to do it, its entirely too awkward. All my friends don't really truly understand exactly what I am going through. I want someone to know. If I could I would talk to you, but I've tried that too and I can't do it because I never get a response so its not really even talking to you. Please tell me how I'm supposed to do all this, how am I supposed to live my life, how do I get through this? I have no idea, I need your help, please tell me! Its hard to believe that you are actually gone I still haven't fully grasped that idea. You my daddy you were supposed to stay with me forever. You were supposed to walk me down the isle when I marry the fish that's out there in the sea for me. You were supposed to see your grandbabies and be Grandpa. That will never happen now and I will NOT allow Shawn to step in and take your place, believe me, that is the last thing I will do. I feel like everyone is pushing me to let him be my "father-figure" but to be completely honest I'd rather have no one to act as that than to have him be that. Yeah forget that, everyone can get over themselves. This is so much harder than I expected it. Most people who lose a loved one can move on and be strong enough. I, however, am not. I thought I was strong enough to go through all this, I mean this is supposed to make me stronger right? Well yeah its not really working because I just really feel like giving up on everything. That's all I want to do is break down and give up, but I know I can't because you're looking down on me expecting so much more out of me. So I guess I'll be strong for you but you better know I am not okay and I never will be. I'll be able to get through with my days but I will never be as good as new. I am waiting to see you once again, all of this is so surreal and I can't believe it. I know I'm coming home one of these days and I will be with you again. But until then I am left here with pictures and memories that make me think your still here and we will do all the crazy things we used to. I love you, don't ever forget that, okay? I mean it! I miss you so much daddy! </3

Giving In

Giving in was not what I expected... I never thought it would feel like this. I thought everything was good and I was done and everything was going so right but in a split second it can all go wrong. One simple thought can ruin everything. This always happens to me, just when things truly are going right it is all taken away from me. Am I ever going to get better? Will I ever be okay again? This will go away right, all of this feeling of hurt and pain that I go though, it will all be gone? I want nothing more than to be okay, I can't keep hurting myself. Who would have ever thought that little, innocent Alyssa would ever do the things she does, would ever have to go through the things that she is going through... I can't take it anymore! I need help, I am finally able to say that I have a problem that I can't overcome by myself. Every time I think I am over you and falling in love with someone I realize that no one can replace you. I thought I never would have to go through all of this but I guess every one does. It kills me to see you happy while I'm am miserable. You have no idea and you won't even talk to me anyways so what am I trying to do. I will never those things back I will never have you for myself. You are happy and I should happy too but I just can't. How can a girl who has a self-harming addiction be happy? I was doing it, stopping. I thought I had it all under my belt. I thought I could handle it, but I guess I couldn't. So much for that! Hearing your name and knowing that you are just a few miles away and knowing that I can't do anything about it killed me. I was so angry that I couldn't step up and tell anyone how I felt. So angry that no one would do anything about it. They just set me up... I did it again. I gave into my terrible addiction. Sitting in the shower with a bobby pin sitting there tempting me. My addiction sitting there laughing at me, telling me I wouldn't do it. I proved it wrong. Just like that standing there, blood running down my leg, crying all the bad things out. It never works, it never takes all the pain away. I am sitting here now wondering if anyone will ever love me again if I will ever love again. I believe that any and every single person I know is going to disown me especially the people that mean the most to me. Yeah just take everyone away from me. Just when I thing I find the perfect person who will be there for me, be my boo thang, make all my pain go away, to help me, he is just taken out of my life like that. How am I supposed to react to that, you tell me, please! I need help to understand to see through hazy life of mine. I can't take it any longer! Please make me stop please after all you've put me through what makes you think I can go through this?! Just take everything away! Do it! I can't take it...I have given in and there is no turning back...

Starting New

Last night I was able to say it out loud and tell someone, I am trying my hardest to never EVER do it again. I am done cutting. I went to far and cannot do it anymore. It feels so good to be able to say it. However, actually doing it will be a little bit harder. It makes me happy, to be able to say I am done. No matter what I do I am going to try to hold back every single time I have the urge. It feels so good to be able to say that. I have been saying it to myself for a little while now but it didn't stop me the other night. But when I was able to actually say it to someone and have them tell me it make them so happy to hear that it made me think that I can do it, I can stop. I know it is going to be very hard, it is a terrible addiction. I will have to ease myself into it but I can overcome it, I know I can. I have a special someone watching over me and giving me strength. (Thanks Daddy) I am starting off new and going to be happy and not harm myself any more. I CAN DO THIS! I want to be able to tell people my story that I was able to stop and that I will be much happy. Now, I know I have the help of several of my friends. I know that one of my friends, David, will help me no matter what, he said he will always be there when I need someone. When I can tell everyone, such as Chris, Annie, Abi, Megan, Alyssa, Tanner, and some others, they will also help me. I am very blessed to have these people in my life even the people that were not mentioned. I can finally look past all the bad stuff and see all the good in my life. It feels amazing to say I am stopping. Thank you for giving me the strength and finally being able to tell someone about it all.

Why?

I feel like I can never please anyone or ever do the right thing. Why must I be in a such bad mood while everyone else is in such a good mood. That may sound selfish but it kills me that I can never be in a good mood for 24 hours. I need to get myself back the stage where I'm always happy and life is good. I have a feeling like that is going to take a long time. I need to stop cutting, I need to clear my head, I need to have someone there for me 24/7. No one really knows that I'm kinda sensitive, people push my buttons all the time and ruin my day. I hate it! I just want to look the person in the eye and say, "Do you really want to give me the feeling of wanting to go cut myself, because that's all I want to do right now!" I can't keep feeling like that, in a way it seems like an excuse to make me happy. I think that's a bad thing but I don't know it may be good for me to want to say those things, may be it will help me stop. I don't know why I have to feel like this all the time, I am tired of it. I want all of it to go away. Why must I have to turn to cutting myself every time something goes wrong? Why can't I live like I used to? People look at me and see a innocent girl, but hardly any of them truly know what I am going through and what I do to myself. I really wish that I can stop all of it. Start new. Live a happy, healthy life...

Signs

Something put her in the "mood" that she felt like she had to make all the feelings go away... That's right, she had the urge to cut again. She knew she shouldn't, for the reason was ridiculous. She thought she was so selfish for spending time doing the things that she wanted to do instead of spending time her dad when she had the chance. She was thinking about her dad and started bawling. Never had she wanted to cut while thinking about her dad. Losing her dad was something extreme, that no one could understand and she never wanted to hurt herself because of it. Whenever she was mad or felt like nothing was going right was when she wanted to cut, never when she was sad or depressed. While thinking of her dad she got mad at herself for not spending time with him while she could've and not being able to tell him just how much she loved him and that no matter what she would always be his little girl. So she wanted to cut herself to make the feeling go away because she was so mad at herself. As she was searching for a bobby pin she kept saying "Please give me a sign that I shouldn't do this to myself" over and over again. As she got up her phone started ringing...It was him, the one who said he would help and do everything he could to help her stop, he had no idea what she was about to do. She answered the phone and couldn't believe that it stopped her from brutally harming herself. Was it the sign she was asking for? Was it fate? Was it her dad's way of stopping her? She told him that he saved her from cutting herself and couldn't believe it. He asked her if she was going to do it even after they got off the phone, she didn't think she would so she just said "No I won't". Unfortunately, after they got off the phone she still felt like she had to... So she got back up and searched for a bobby pin, she had to get a good durable one. She found one on her dresser that was ready to use. She sat down in bed, crying once again, and pulled up her sleeve and stared at her wrist trying to find a good place to do it. She stared digging into her skin, deeper and deeper, back and forth. There it was, blood. She still didn't feel like it was good enough though so she moved down further and made a new one, she couldn't stop herself. As soon as that one started bleeding and was deep enough she started another one. Three gruesome cuts bleeding, burning, and hurting but at the same time the feelings inside went away. It was good enough. She could've sat up all night crying and butchering her arm up and cut all over, but she stopped after three. It was good enough for her, she felt bad afterwards though. She felt like she disappointed the guy who called her when she texted him and told him that she did. As soon as they started talking she felt terrible about it and was still crying. Crying for almost two hours straight. She cried herself to sleep that night. Hoping that maybe her dad will give her signs and the strength not to cut every single time she has the urge...She wants to stop and is scared to tell her mom and ask to get help. She doesn't want to hear that she is some crazy person or to get into a fight with her mom. But she knows she has to do something about it, she can't keep going on like this and cutting every time she feels like she can't handle her problems.

I Don't Even Know Anymore

Life has been really crazy lately...I don't even know what to do anymore like honestly. I lost my dad recently and it kills me to know that I will never be able to have him in my life anymore. People say they are sorry but are they really? No one knows what I'm going through, they never will. My dad and I had a weird relationship. He had been in and out of my life for years and it was never for the right reasons. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, he was addicted to cocaine. When my dad first told me that he had been doing all those drugs it killed me inside. All I thought was "No not my dad, he would never do that." But sure enough it was true and to know that, that stupid little drug took my dad out of my life for periods of time pisses me off! I love my dad dearly and he was a great guy but with all the great things about him there was all the bad things too. As much as I don't want to think about them I do, it was a part of who my dad was.
As some people know I have some really bad habits (cutting) my dad never game me the feeling of wanting to. But when my mom's husband stepped in and tried to be my dad i hated it and that's all I ever wanted to do was cut, I actually did a few times because of him. I look at him with disgust because while was trying to step in and take over it was taking time away that I could have spent with my own father. I can't stand constantly thinking bout all of it. It always pops in my mind and from then on my day goes down hill and I am in a terrible mood.
I haven't really been able to think for myself or even think straight lately...My ex and I were constantly fighting and he never understood what I went through with my dad and I just had to cut it off. I have some issues with my friends sometimes, but don't we all. You can never have the perfect friendship, you will always fight and make up but when you are fighting with your best friend it never feels good. For me cutting seems like the only way I can get rid of all my feelings. I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't do. I am trying to stop and I have the help of a few of my friends. I think this guy I met might actually be able to help me, it's weird to say this but he really does know how to put me in a better mood.
Last time I blogged about the cutting incident I only had two cuts, but now I have 11 and my wrist looks terrible. I hate looking at it and feeling every single one of them all over again. I want to stop! I can't keep going on and harming myself. I honestly think it does nothing but help my addiction...it doesn't really make all the feelings go away. So let's pray and hope that I ease myself into stopping.