Something Isn't Right

My heart is breaking every single time I see a picture of you. How am I supposed to look at a picture of you and know that I will never see you again? It really freaks me out. Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I thought losing a boyfriend, a best friend, a grandparent, I thought that all those things were bad. But losing you was the WORST. In my deepest heart of hearts I know I something is missing from my life and I can't bring myself to accept that its you. I can't believe that you were just taken away from me like that. I just want you back, more than any thing in the world. I will always be your little girl and you will always be my daddy. But I will never get over this, I will never be okay again. I am waiting for the day for it not to be weird. Right now I can't believe it, I just feel like I haven't been to see you because I've been busy or you've been sick or something but I really know that you are no longer there but in spirit. Being here with me in spirit is SO different than actually being here. I want to see your face again. I want to wrap my arms around your neck again. I want so much and I know I can't have it. It kills me, no one can even understand how bad it hurts. It is going to be a sucky life without you, you know that right? I know "it was your time to go" but I don't want to believe it. I just want to be able to call you and hear your voice or go to your house just hang out with you. I don't even know what to say to any one. I know I should talk to someone about how I feel. Mom wants me to talk to her about it, but for some odd reason I can't bring myself to do it, its entirely too awkward. All my friends don't really truly understand exactly what I am going through. I want someone to know. If I could I would talk to you, but I've tried that too and I can't do it because I never get a response so its not really even talking to you. Please tell me how I'm supposed to do all this, how am I supposed to live my life, how do I get through this? I have no idea, I need your help, please tell me! Its hard to believe that you are actually gone I still haven't fully grasped that idea. You my daddy you were supposed to stay with me forever. You were supposed to walk me down the isle when I marry the fish that's out there in the sea for me. You were supposed to see your grandbabies and be Grandpa. That will never happen now and I will NOT allow Shawn to step in and take your place, believe me, that is the last thing I will do. I feel like everyone is pushing me to let him be my "father-figure" but to be completely honest I'd rather have no one to act as that than to have him be that. Yeah forget that, everyone can get over themselves. This is so much harder than I expected it. Most people who lose a loved one can move on and be strong enough. I, however, am not. I thought I was strong enough to go through all this, I mean this is supposed to make me stronger right? Well yeah its not really working because I just really feel like giving up on everything. That's all I want to do is break down and give up, but I know I can't because you're looking down on me expecting so much more out of me. So I guess I'll be strong for you but you better know I am not okay and I never will be. I'll be able to get through with my days but I will never be as good as new. I am waiting to see you once again, all of this is so surreal and I can't believe it. I know I'm coming home one of these days and I will be with you again. But until then I am left here with pictures and memories that make me think your still here and we will do all the crazy things we used to. I love you, don't ever forget that, okay? I mean it! I miss you so much daddy! </3