Signs

Something put her in the "mood" that she felt like she had to make all the feelings go away... That's right, she had the urge to cut again. She knew she shouldn't, for the reason was ridiculous. She thought she was so selfish for spending time doing the things that she wanted to do instead of spending time her dad when she had the chance. She was thinking about her dad and started bawling. Never had she wanted to cut while thinking about her dad. Losing her dad was something extreme, that no one could understand and she never wanted to hurt herself because of it. Whenever she was mad or felt like nothing was going right was when she wanted to cut, never when she was sad or depressed. While thinking of her dad she got mad at herself for not spending time with him while she could've and not being able to tell him just how much she loved him and that no matter what she would always be his little girl. So she wanted to cut herself to make the feeling go away because she was so mad at herself. As she was searching for a bobby pin she kept saying "Please give me a sign that I shouldn't do this to myself" over and over again. As she got up her phone started ringing...It was him, the one who said he would help and do everything he could to help her stop, he had no idea what she was about to do. She answered the phone and couldn't believe that it stopped her from brutally harming herself. Was it the sign she was asking for? Was it fate? Was it her dad's way of stopping her? She told him that he saved her from cutting herself and couldn't believe it. He asked her if she was going to do it even after they got off the phone, she didn't think she would so she just said "No I won't". Unfortunately, after they got off the phone she still felt like she had to... So she got back up and searched for a bobby pin, she had to get a good durable one. She found one on her dresser that was ready to use. She sat down in bed, crying once again, and pulled up her sleeve and stared at her wrist trying to find a good place to do it. She stared digging into her skin, deeper and deeper, back and forth. There it was, blood. She still didn't feel like it was good enough though so she moved down further and made a new one, she couldn't stop herself. As soon as that one started bleeding and was deep enough she started another one. Three gruesome cuts bleeding, burning, and hurting but at the same time the feelings inside went away. It was good enough. She could've sat up all night crying and butchering her arm up and cut all over, but she stopped after three. It was good enough for her, she felt bad afterwards though. She felt like she disappointed the guy who called her when she texted him and told him that she did. As soon as they started talking she felt terrible about it and was still crying. Crying for almost two hours straight. She cried herself to sleep that night. Hoping that maybe her dad will give her signs and the strength not to cut every single time she has the urge...She wants to stop and is scared to tell her mom and ask to get help. She doesn't want to hear that she is some crazy person or to get into a fight with her mom. But she knows she has to do something about it, she can't keep going on like this and cutting every time she feels like she can't handle her problems.