Life has been really crazy lately...I don't even know what to do anymore like honestly. I lost my dad recently and it kills me to know that I will never be able to have him in my life anymore. People say they are sorry but are they really? No one knows what I'm going through, they never will. My dad and I had a weird relationship. He had been in and out of my life for years and it was never for the right reasons. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, he was addicted to cocaine. When my dad first told me that he had been doing all those drugs it killed me inside. All I thought was "No not my dad, he would never do that." But sure enough it was true and to know that, that stupid little drug took my dad out of my life for periods of time pisses me off! I love my dad dearly and he was a great guy but with all the great things about him there was all the bad things too. As much as I don't want to think about them I do, it was a part of who my dad was.
As some people know I have some really bad habits (cutting) my dad never game me the feeling of wanting to. But when my mom's husband stepped in and tried to be my dad i hated it and that's all I ever wanted to do was cut, I actually did a few times because of him. I look at him with disgust because while was trying to step in and take over it was taking time away that I could have spent with my own father. I can't stand constantly thinking bout all of it. It always pops in my mind and from then on my day goes down hill and I am in a terrible mood.
I haven't really been able to think for myself or even think straight lately...My ex and I were constantly fighting and he never understood what I went through with my dad and I just had to cut it off. I have some issues with my friends sometimes, but don't we all. You can never have the perfect friendship, you will always fight and make up but when you are fighting with your best friend it never feels good. For me cutting seems like the only way I can get rid of all my feelings. I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't do. I am trying to stop and I have the help of a few of my friends. I think this guy I met might actually be able to help me, it's weird to say this but he really does know how to put me in a better mood.
Last time I blogged about the cutting incident I only had two cuts, but now I have 11 and my wrist looks terrible. I hate looking at it and feeling every single one of them all over again. I want to stop! I can't keep going on and harming myself. I honestly think it does nothing but help my addiction...it doesn't really make all the feelings go away. So let's pray and hope that I ease myself into stopping.
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